The Old Hack

I am not a fan of jazz, but Humphrey Lyttleton is a jazz musician who will be very sadly missed by all aficionados of his Radio Four programme « I’m Sorry, I Haven’t A Clue ». Enough has been said by so many more eloquent than I about the man and his unique talents. I would, though, like to recall on these pages what I consider a more ‘personal’ experience of Humph and his humour.

One day a couple of years or so ago, I was driving my mother, who is quite deaf, to see a friend. We were lost, the traffic was heavy and the journey was pretty miserable. I switched on the car radio in time to catch part of Humph’s regular show. After a while, mum asked me to turn up the volume so she could hear it.

Humph said: “I’ve got a pack of organic sausages in my fridge at home.” “Printed on the pack”, he continued, “is a picture of Anthony Worrall-Thompson”. A pregnant pause, then: “Underneath, it says ‘prick with a fork’!”

I had to pull into a lay-by as tears of laughter streamed down my face. Mother very nearly wet herself laughing. Our day was transformed from that moment. Thank you, Humph, and goodbye.

Some months ago I wrote somewhat sceptically about the trial runs for Heathrow's much vaunted Terminal Five.  Little was I to know that my scepticism woud turn out to be so justified!  Hard to believe that having gone through all the trouble of inviting members of the public to queue for imaginary flights, collect virtual luggage and presumably sample a couple of virtual overpriced souvenirs, the 'live' opening yesterday should have been quite so disastrous.

An ITV reporter locked in a lift - the spectacle of staff running from journalists to avoid being interviewed under what must have been insufferable stress - another hack reporting on evening television how his bags had failed to arrive in Paris and his return flight delayed (due to baggage handling problems at Terminal 5) - the list goes on and on.

No doubt there will be a full enquiry.  How did the lifts fail?  The luggage handling system break down?  The gangways fail to connect with the aircraft doors?  The airport is operated by BAA, whose website this-morning gives no indication of the current chaos, merely inviting the visitor to explore the wonderful new facilities on offer.

British Airways site, by contrast publishes a profuse apology for the disruption to its flights, together with detailed information on how to obtain compensation for missed and cancelled flights.

Whereas BA has not employed its "Fly the Flag" strapline in advertising for many years, the airline is still in some minds synonymous with cool, British efficiency and carries the respect of travellers worldwide.  How will this current fiasco affect BA?  And how much of the can must be carried by the confusingly named BAA?

At a time when the British economy needs a real boost internationally, along comes a disaster of the kind that will be remembered by cynics with more influence than The Old Hack for some time to come.

It's not often that my sympathies lie with large conglomerates such as British Airways - but on this occasion I can't help thinking they are the unwitting scapegoats for BAA.  British Airports Authority, in spite of its name now part of the Spanish Ferovial corporation, was recently reported to be in debt to the tune of nine billion pounds.  Airport International has been reporting BAA could be forced to sell off airports including Heathrow in order to return to liquidity.  Looks like that could happen sooner rather than later.  Could Heathrow and other airports return to British ownership and control?  Could we once more "Fly the Flag" with some regained pride?  Or will BA be the one to suffer and end up the way of KLM, taken over by another country's flagship airline.  Air France/KLM/BA just sounds too unwieldy!

What was I recently saying about the revered lady Thatcher?  Vulgar?  You couldn't possibly say the same thing about any french Président de la République, could you?  The very office grants a stature and dignity previously unknown.  Look at the transformation in Pompidou, Giscard, Mitterand and even the hapless Chirac on gaining office.  Each gained instant gravitas, a change not only of language but of tone and presentation.  As if the importance and sheer weight of office necessitated physical effort to carefully measure and consider each word before it left the speaker's lips.

There hasn't always been an easy relationship between French Presidents and British Prime Ministers.  Thatcher could hardly disguise her disdain for the Socialist Mitterand and the stony silences between Churchill and de Gaulle were the stuff of legend.  So President Sarkozy's apparent idolising of the Rt. Hon Tony Blair seems exceptional.  Tony (the people's PM) is Sarkozy's first choice for President of Europe and somehow this kind of endorsement from a suave, sophisticated, erudite wordsmith of a European seemed to carry with it a unique worthiness.

This suave, sophisticated, erudite President found himself the other day at the Ministry of Agriculture, surrounded by a host of hand-shaking adoring sycophants.  Well, all except one.  An elderly gentleman, on seeing Sarkozi's outstretched hand exclaimed "Don't you touch me!"  And the sophisticated response from the erudite, suave President?

"Piss off then, you old git" (I translate freely but not unrealistically, I promise you)  A video of this exchange was posted on YouTube, but mysteriously disappeared shortly afterwards.  Yes, even the vulgar retain power and influence. 

“And the Morgan Stanley lifetime achievement award goes to… Margaret Thatcher!”

Please excuse the Old Hack’s failure to applaud. I was around when this pathetic excuse for a politician was elected to lead my country. And lead it she did - into a state of arrogant disdain for the poor and disadvantaged. Into a selfish, introverted uncaring and uncharitable society where respect belonged only to the wealthy. Into a duped society believing that salvation was at hand as soon as it had pawned it’s family silver to buy its council house, and which was rudely awakened when the bailiffs came knocking at the door just a few short years later. A society whose disabled and sick were labelled ‘spongers’ without recourse to evidence of any kind. A society where working man was set against working man in the orchestrated destruction of the Trade Unions. A ‘loadsamoney’ society which began to truly believe that money could buy anything, and knew the price of everything and the value of nothing. A society which has forever since retained festering, septic, remnants of this distasteful, vulgar period of politics under a distasteful and vulgar leader.

“Today”, said David Cameron in the Daily Torygraph, “We know exactly what Thatcherism meant for our country; victory in the Cold War, victory against unbridled trade union power, the sale of council houses, the liberation of the British economy…”

To the best of my knowledge (and I have no wish to be sued here, so I am careful to make that qualification) David Cameron has never belonged to a trade union. Nor has he owned or even lived in a council house. I doubt he is old enough to remember much detail of the so-called Cold War and as for the liberation of the British economy I do not believe that Cameron’s wealth or background suggest he has ever enjoyed anything other than a wealthy and privileged life.

I do not think we need concern ourselves that Cameron may replace Thatcher. Tony Blair did a good enough job of that, failing to reverse or even compensate for much of the damage the former inflicted on Britain. Rather we should remember the lifetime achievement of one of his predecessors. The achievement of a British Prime Minister who succeeded where the Third Reich had failed in destroying the spirit of a nation and reducing it to an infighting, self-important, uncaring shadow of its former self.

A lifetime achievement indeed, and one which I fear cannot be reversed within mine.

Picture courtesy of www.recessmonkey.com

Remember that ubiquitous advertising slogan about mobile telephones?  It seems like years ago since I first saw it.  Come to think of it is years since I first saw it.  It had never really bothered me until recently.  Then I tried to get internet access from our rented home in France.....

Here it seems you can have any telephone provider you like - so long as it is Orange.  Let me explain.  Like me, you may have thought that the telephone provider for France was France Telecom.  Well it is.  Confused?  So was I.  Apparently some time ago, the internet provider Wanadoo took over France Telecom.  Then along came Orange and took over Wanadoo.  So France Telecom is now Orange - or so you might think.  The telephone line here is owned by the landlord, and is provided by France Telecom (alias Orange).  It was therefore impossible for me to organise a broadband internet connection , as I am the tenant of the house and therefore not the owner of the telephone line.  So far so good.

I contacted Orange to arrange dial up connection in my name with the account send directly to me.  I obtained the necessary log in and password and connected to the internet via a dial up modem from my landlord's telephone line.  The deal was to access the internet at any time for a fixed fee.  And so I did - though with sporadic success and an unbelievably slow connection which never allowed me time to post a blog before timing out!

Then I got a frantic call from my landlord (luckily we get on well) who had received a telephone demand from France Telecom for 150 Euros (over £100) for a month's telephone usage.

It seems that each time I had connected to the internet, France Telecom had added a call charge in addition to the standing charge required by Orange.

I telephoned the Orange helpline indignantly demanding that they refund the extra phone charges as I was paying a fixed fee to them. "No." they patiently explained, "You are paying the telephone charges to France Telecom" 

" But  you are (expletive deleted) France Telecom" I exploded.  "Oh no we're not " (I paraphrase) ...  Long and very complex explanations later I am told that should I wish to bypass France Telecom and deal exclusively with Orange, they will give me dial up access at any time of day or night for a fixed fee of 20 Euros and with no charge for calls from France Telecom (Just exactly how the original deal without the free phone calls cost more I have absolutely no clue!) A couple of weeks of this new deal cost me less financially, but even more in exasperation, as connectivity was even more sporadic than previously.

During my stay here in France I have come to know a local computer 'doctor' who is very helpful.  I explained my dilemma to him, and between us and the landlord we persuaded Orange and France Telecom (actually it was just Orange because now miraculously they seemed to be working in tandem) that I should be allowed a Broadband contract even though I am not the owner of the France Telecom line to the house.

So - If you are a regular visitor to these pages - that is why I have been out of touch for such a long time, and why I am now happily back in business.  The future's bright - the future's (what colour was that again?)